Hmmm, how do I say this? Where do I begin?
Perhaps at the beginning.
Feeling and Craving
A few months back I started "feeling" that I needed to go to Bible Study. Then I started going to church too. Not the same church as that which holds the bible study, but a smaller church which seems to fulfill my needs and the needs of my children wonderfully. I have felt my faith being reaffirmed and renewed. I don't share as much on my blog about this journey as I could/should. I'm guessing it is because it is a bit scary to me. My renewed faith still feels quite raw and if you know much about Christianity you'll know there is one question you should ALWAYS be prepared to answer and I'm just not quite sure what I say in response to that question. I have an answer in me, I just don't know how to articulate it.
Anyway, once again, I have been feeling myself pulled, or perhaps pushed, toward other Christians. But there is more to it than that. I feel that I have been rather slack in my personal study of the Word and in my prayers. I'm craving MORE. As a side note, years ago when I went to church I found the sermons rather uninteresting & boring to be honest, but I think it is because I didn't listen to what was being shared with me. The prayers we said in church didn't seem to touch me much either. These days however, I have a different feeling. I guess back then I was touched more by singing God's praises and these days I can hear them in a multitude of ways. Perhaps it's maturity, perhaps it's just a choice.
If someone had told me then that I'd receive daily devotionals by email that I would read each day I'd have looked at them strangely, wondering why I'd feel the need to fill more of my time with technology, but I do (& I actually procrastinate on it now too). I CRAVE information about Jesus our wonderful Saviour, God our Creator. (I wonder at times whether God played a sneaky little card when it came to me naming my blog. It seems as though I was back on His path before I knew I was.)
Miss Pants, Little H and I attend Pip Squeaks and one Sunday morning at church the call went out for more helpers at Pip Squeaks because one of the Leaders has just had a baby & another is due to have twins within weeks. It was worded in the weekly notes in such a way that I thought I couldn't possibly do what was asked. I think it said something along the lines of providing Ministry to the wider community. I thought to myself, Geez, I have enough trouble with it myself. I can't help others with their walk. One of the other Mum's & I chatted about it one morning & neither of us felt up to it, for varying reasons.
Then during the week I was having these little thoughts sneaking in. Perhaps that's what He intends. I'm supposed to help, in turn learning more myself, then being able to share with others as He deems appropriate. I had opened my bible for the first time in a couple of weeks and found a note I'd written on bright green paper.
Moses said to the Lord "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue". The Lord said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." (Exodus 4:10-12)
I was a day away from sharing this with the people that organise Pip Squeaks. A day away from sticking my hand up. That evening it began...
The Vomit Factor
... H started vomiting. He is rather weak of stomach and has been hospitalised before when he got some sort of stomach bug which resulted in him vomiting for days. Even after he was discharged from hospital he vomited at least daily for a week.
Luckily this time it wasn't that bad. We did take him to hospital though because there really is nothing of him. He can't afford to be sick, so to speak. We wondered whether it was a bug or just something he'd eaten. We didn't go to church that day because I didn't want to risk myself or the other kids passing on the bug to one of the other kids, or worse, a little baby or pregnant Mummy.
I kept H home from school on Monday, and he seemed fine all day. Got all the sheets washed and dried, beds made again (he's on the top bunk so the bottom bunk needed washing too). After I'd gone to bed that night I heard that call again "Muuummm" I leapt up, a bit disorientated and ran down the hall. He'd done it again. He had a bucket with him, but made even more mess than the previous night. He moved to the lounge for the evening and stayed home from school for another day.
I was tricked into a false sense of safety then. I thought we made it through relatively unscathed. We kept H home from Joey's. I picked Mr Magoo up from Cubs as normal and when I arrived home I opened the back door to find the lounge two thirds covered in VOMIT!! This time it was Miss Pants. Mr C had just put her in the shower. (Our lounge suite is now having it's first ever professional clean. Booked in for Monday.)
I'm waiting to see if any more of us come down with whatever it was and praying that we, as a family, recover quickly.
What to do??
So I never got to church to let them know I'd like to help & now I'm wondering if God was really letting me know that I should help or if I was just misinterpretting my own thoughts... Perhaps God is really telling me to spend more time at home with my children and to stop venturing out as much, to stop wanting or trying to help & please others as much and focus on my own walk with Him. Ha ha, I was going to say "Who knows?" but I know the answer to that.
This verse is really talking to me this week. To me it has a couple of meanings. It is scary & exciting & I'm not sure how I came across it but I did.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:13)
I wish I could actually remember some of these verses for appropriate times. (Still, I think it's pretty cool that I found Exodus 4:10-12 that had clearly touched me enough on another ocassion recently that I'd written it out already.)
So I guess I'm saying, after all that, that I'm a little up in the air at the moment. Craving more of Him, and not quite knowing how to go about it without getting myself all confused and over stretched.
Bye for now, K